Happiness: What I Wish I learned 10 Years Ago

Happiness is not a goal we achieve. If I achieve A, B, C, then I will be happy, or if D, E, F happens to me, then I will be happy are both myths. Happiness is available now, at any time, to anyone. We can work towards goals that will bring more joy and happiness to our lives, but if we don’t know how to be happy now, chances are we won’t know how to be happy when we finally do get everything we want.

Happiness is a choice. Unfortunately, most people haven’t realized this yet. Most of us choose by default another emotion that we grew up with or that we’ve allowed to dominate us. Maybe we grew up in an angry house, so we default to anger. The truth is we can choose to be happy instead. Right now, right this very second, we can allow happiness to blossom.

Happiness can be exercised like a muscle. Not everyone is born with a sunny disposition, but we can get more of one if we work on it. Practice trying to find the positive in a difficult situation. Practice being grateful for what you have, right now. Chances are there is someone in the world that has much less who is happy.

Getting more happiness doesn’t have to be a big make over. Psychologists argue that it is difficult to change major personality traits. However, those that focus on personality are finding there are many qualities that are actually learned habits. Just as a habit can be learned, it can be unlearned, or a new habit learned. For more see the article called “Second Nature” in Psychology Today.

Happiness comes from within. Seeking happiness outside of ourselves is setting us up for failure. No amount of money in the world can make us happy if we don’t know how to be happy. On the other hand, if we are happy, money can make life even happier. No one person can make us happy if we are miserable, but if we are happy, a person can bring more happiness to our lives.

Being happy doesn’t mean you will never be sad. Happiness doesn’t mean annihilating anxiety or banishing grief. As psychotherapist and Buddhist Mark Epstein says: [Happiness is] the ability to receive the pleasant without grasping and the unpleasant without condemning.

Happiness can broaden your mind. Literally! Researchers, such as Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, a distinguished psychology professor and author of Positivity, have found that positive emotions such as love, joy, happiness and gratitude broaden your field of vision. So when you are happy, it’s much easier to see the forest for the trees and not get bogged down in negative tunnel vision.

Happiness is contagious. If you exhibit positivity and happiness, those around you are more likely to feel sensations of happiness too. Even Grumpy Gus will have a hard time avoiding being amused when you are laughing and joyful.

Lasting happiness is attainable. According to research psychologist and University of California professor of psychology Sonja Lyubomirsky, in her book The How of Happiness, but only if you are willing to do the work. This is no different than education, weight loss or physical fitness. Just like anything else worth having, happiness takes some hard work and dedication.

The Truth Is...

Recently one of my long time students came to me completely distraught. She was having a crisis of ballet proportions. She had lost her desire, her spark and her passion for dance, but she was reluctant to quit. She was loathe to give up something that she had spent so much time and money working on. She was afraid to disappoint her parents. She was afraid of letting me down. I had noticed this coming on for the past several months, but wasn’t sure if it was home, school or ballet that was troubling her.

We had a long talk about what makes her happy, what her passions were. I really wanted to see if she was just burned out of if she really was ready to stop dancing. Either way, I suggested a break. It turns out, she really was ready to do something different. As sad as I was to see her go, I was doing summersaults inside knowing that she was on a new path to new joy and passions. Some really amazing things came out of our conversation and I thought I'd share them with you.

There is more than one path to a career or success. One dancer may choose college while another chooses to hit the audition circuit. One dancer may go to summer programs and another to competitions, while another stays home and works just as hard. Dancers may have the same goals but there are infinite ways of getting there. Whatever path some one else takes, it doesn't mean that is the right path for you. Work with your instructor and your family to find the best path for you. Listen to your heart and your intuition.

There is more than one way to do things. You will meet teachers, directors and choreographers in your life who will tell you that their way is the only way. But look at all the different ballet schools, companies, and the variety of styles and techniques that have grown out of ballet. There is always another way and another path.

College after high school isn't for everyone. If you want to be a professional ballet dancer, don't waste any more time, go dance. An education is important, and fulfilling. But a dancer's career is often short. Be aware of the choice you are making.

If you don't love it anymore, find something else that makes your heart sing. Don't get caught up in the internal dialogue about how much time and money has been spent teaching you to be a ballet dancer. When you have lost the passion, it's time to find a new passion.

Another person's judgement of you is a statement about who they are as a person, not who you are. If you are a professional dancer, you will be judged; by critics, by directors, by choreographers, by your peers. Never let another's judgement of you or your ability cheapen your dreams. Take constructive feedback, apply it and move on.

You have control of your emotions. No one can make you feel anything without your consent. Dancers tend to be dramatic and highly emotional. It comes with the job, the work, the adrenalin addiction, and is an necessary part of our ability to pour out our hearts on stage. But you don't need to get caught up in the drama. You don't need to get caught up in another dancer's negativity. Negativity is contagious.

Every cloud really does have a silver lining. Almost every professional dancer has a horror story about a former teacher, director or choreographer. But they will all tell you what they learned from that situation, about life, about themselves, about what it takes to be a dancer. Even in the worst situations some good can come out of it eventually. It's what we do within and after those bad scenes that make or break us.

Dancers should be seen AND heard, loud and clear. While dancers learn at a young age to be silently respectful during classes, a dancer's voice is their passion. Make your passion for what you do loud and clear. Don't hold it back. You will get incalculable joy from your work and possible better roles.

Don't worry about disappointing your parents. The truth is, all they really want is for you to be happy. They may have interesting ways of expressing it, but it all boils down to what they think will make you happy. If you are happy dancing, they'll come around eventually. If you're unhappy dancing, stop! Find another love, and don't worry about their disappointment. That's about them, not you.

Starting Ballet in College: Is there hope for a career?

One of my readers recently posted this comment on the 15 Truths post. I thought it raised some really good points and wanted to open it up to the rest of the community. I have also posted my response and welcome all you male dancers and any teachers who have advice for this young dancer to chime in. If you started dance in college and went on to have a professional career, I'd love to hear your comments. Please, join the conversation.

                    Dear Blogger:

                   I am currenty a student studying dance at East Carolina University, hoping to tranfer to virginia comon wealth in 

                   the near future. I really appreciate your fifteen points. Being a male and having only danced for about five years 

                   makes dance, and technique in particular very challenging at times. However, I have wonderful improvisational 

                   skills and am pretty sufficient in modern technique. One of my largest concerns is that I wont reach my full 

                   potential, and will be over looked by companies due to my lack of perfect turn-out. I wish there were more 

                   opportunities for young males in dance, I constantly feel like im playing catch up while trying to work on my 

                   personal style. What advice would you have for a young man trying to make it big, with very little. THank you

My Response: 

'Thank you so much for reading the blog and for writing this comment. I hope there are other men who started dance in college who will chime in with me on this. I can tell you that I have known many male dancers who started in college and went on to have professional careers. For whatever reason, this is easier for men to accomplish, in general, than for women. Maybe it's because there are more women than men in ballet, maybe it's because men don't need to be as flexible. Who knows, but there is definitely hope.

I can also tell you that in our company, Aspen Santa Fe Ballet, there are men who started ballet in college and have little natural turn out. One thing they have going for them; they are really good partners. Having great partnering skills can open up opportunities. The other thing they have going for them is they can move. You mentioned you have strong improv skills. That's great! Hone in on that. Learn to move! A choreographer once told me "I don't care if you weigh 500lbs, have blue skin and 3 heads, as long as you can move. "

The last bit of advice I can give is to be open to other forms of dance besides classical ballet. There are so many opportunities to dance professionally out there, but often, us classically trained dancers limit ourselves to focusing on classical companies. But the reality is, even the most classical of companies is now doing contemporary dance. Small companies want dancers who can move flawlessly between Balanchine and Glen Tetley. Large companies want that too but sometimes have the "classical" dancers and the "contemporary" dancers. 

I believe an audience would much rather see a dancer with passion and no turn out than one with 180 degree turn out and nothing to back it up. There is always hope where the dream is strong. Keep dreaming, keep working and keep believing."

Three Great Apps to enhance your teaching/coaching experience

FYI, I am endorsing these products because I see value in their usage as a teacher and a coach. I am not in anyway involved with the companies that make these Apps, nor am I getting anything in return for these endorsements.

UberSense Coach by UberSense Inc

This little app was designed with the athlete in mind, but I say dancers are athletes too! It that allows you to record a subject (student, athlete, dancer). What makes it unique and useful for dance teachers is that you can take two recordings and play them side by side, showing the differences between the two. You can play the recording in super slow motion, highlight areas that need attention and, even record comments or notes onto the video. You can scrub backwards and forwards showing how a motion is working (or not working). I have been using this app to teach private lessons and find that the kids really respond well to seeing what they are doing on the video. I don't do competitions, but this would be a tool of tremendous value to anyone who does. Best of all, this is a FREE app!

                                                                                             

 iMuscle

iMuscle again is not specifically designed for the dancer, but is a workout app.  Pick a muscle and it will show you what exercises specifically target that muscle. Help dancers get stronger faster by giving them a few simple "extra" exercises to strengthen weak areas. iMuscle also shows during specific exercises what muscles are being used. Plus the graphics of the skeleton with the muscle groups are gruesomely fascinating, and the kids love it.

Tempo-Slow Mo

I have been reluctant to stop using CD's and move to the more organized, clutter free, scratch-and-skip free MP3 player. I mean, I have an iPhone and and iPad but the one thing that brings me back to CD's is the ability to control the speed. Slowing down a variation's tempo while students are learning is vital. Plus, not all ballet CD's have just the right tempo for a combination. But now, with Tempo-Slow Mo I can slow down tracks on my iDevices. I can access music files on my device, in dropbox, on the web or even record. The app lets you place markers in the track, too, to easily find your way back to a section of music. There is a looping feature and markers for where you want the track to start and stop. After all that, you can email or dropbox the finished file. Best of all, it's FREE!